[Yves S L]

mignon,

I think the second revision is it!

But I just had a thought. I think you want to write a poem which is accurate to reality, but if you wanted to keep the connection between grandson and great-grand father, than you could just focus on the guitar. Mostly because without the direct comparison between grandson and great-grand father, the line "the future make new space for well-worn things" is a little bit less emotionally resonant for me.

Experimental/rough-cut edit to illustrate a point:

Amid embroidered napkins, iron frogs
my mother placed inside a crystal vase
still keep the Ikebana flowers straight,
displayed as usual on the mantelpiece.
I’m in my daughter’s house. My grandson plays
my father's old guitar, he sits like him,
and sings like him, he carries on! A treat to see
the future make new space for well-worn things:
the leather couch, a tarnished silver jug,
Peruvian paintings on the walls, an egg!
My ostrich egg! An abstract marble nude,
a copper fish, a fist of fossil mud,
and on the étagère, old photographs
of ageless angel faces with no names.

[mignon ledgard]

Yves,

This is very thoughtful, but you are right. This poem is for my family and the piano is my grandson's muse, not my dad, as I had stated earlier. My dad's presence is always with my grandson when he plays it.

I've been at it mightily and a third revision is coming up -- let's see how it goes.

Huge thanks to you!
~mignon

[mignon ledgard]

My Goodness, Jim!

. . Then came COVID and my hair turned white. That’s no poltergeist! There are groups faster than the rapids—the pages roll over, up, up, and out of sight—you have to chase your own post, and good luck finding it.

. . . the connectedness of it all: the hearth… the mantel… the flu… the chimney…

I enjoy your acceptance and the style of it’s expression, but, tell me, what’s this insertion: “flu”?

. . . brushstrokes of images. It's an unpretentiously beautiful, peaceful poem.

What a beautiful thing to say. I may try to paint something from it, like Roger’s description of the title and your out-of-body trip. Hello, Chagall.

It looks like the dear ostrich egg wins the Oscar. Smile.

A piano is not difficult to lose when you are moving far away enough. Maybe you will find it in your dreams.

You speak of imagery as an integral part of poetry. Somewhere, I read of drastic changes to come, including abandoning reliance on imagery. The reason, poorly paraphrased : ‘too many poems pushing images has caused a glut responsible for an overabundance of sameness and of poems that no longer have a distinct voice.’

I just hold my breath and hope the spirit of the poem is not bruised by the tweaking of the meter.

On The Art Of Poetry
From 'Epistle to the Pisos' by Horace

If art is lacking, the avoidance of a petty fault may lead to a serious imperfection.

From a source I don’t recall, I try to paraphrase, ’When there is beautiful art/poetry, it can stand a few imperfections.’ Followed by: ‘Fixing those imperfections could end up ruining the beautiful poem/art.’

Only now, at this very moment, after fifteen years, I understand a professional painter’s response when I asked if I should fix the crooked nose in one of my paintings: Déjala así - Leave it as it is. And I did, not knowing why. An imperfection adds character. A pretty nose is not memorable.

However, I think I have found a way to tweak it without upsetting it.

I hope you don’t mind my quoting you from another comment of yours:

it is a good poem) and that it was being given what felt like a post mortem. It is my insecurity showing, I think. I am not a formal metrical poet. I’m ragtag.

You need a trunk like mine, full of hats, each one for a different use or need: plumbing, carpentry, audacity. .

I am glad insecurity does not impede your generous and beautiful expressions.
Thank you,
~mignon

[mignon ledgard]

Originally Posted by David Callin

I agree that is very nice, mignon. Beautifully chosen and displayed memories. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask for a full-blooded rhyming couplet to round things off? Probably.

I like it anyway.

Cheers

David

Thank you, David, for stopping by.
I'm glad you like it and i'll think about your suggestion.
~mignon

[mignon ledgard]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

Lovely revision, Mignon. The long lines didn’t bother me, but you’ve trimmed them to good advantage: it’s now clear that father and grandpa were the same person, and “fossil mud” is neater and prettier. You’ve told me about the guitar, but it still strikes me as odd to have the experience of your grandson singing and playing the piano summed up as “guitar and passion.” It doesn’t seem to have bothered anyone else, though, so never mind me.

Carl,

I'm glad you didn't mind, but if you catch it, do tap my back, k?
I, too, favor fossil mud.
Guitar and passion may do a flip.

Thank you!
~mignon

[mignon ledgard]

Hello, most helpful poets,

I posted Revision 3 with a new title.

Let me know what you think.

Thank you!

~mignon

[Carl Copeland]

You’ve polished this to a perfect shine, Mignon. Oh, one thing I didn’t mention earlier: “the future making space” would seem neater to me (made space must be new), but that’s very minor and may just be me. Also, “Still Life with Strings” would sound a little more like the title of a still life. Really fine, Mignon!

[Julie Steiner]

Beautiful, mignon.

My two nits, take them or leave them:

Usually a still life is a single moment in time (although Cézanne apparently painted his so damn slowly that the onions sprouted before he finished). "I'm in my daughter's house" encourages the reader (or at least this reader) to inhabit a particular moment with the narrator.

So when I get to "My grandson plays / my father’s baby grand and old guitar", I think, "At the same time? Huh?" Switching from a snapshot of a single moment to a more continuous sense of the grandson's habitual activities is less effective for me. Personally, I'd rather gaze around the room while listening to the grandson actually playing one or the other of these instruments. Not both, in theory, but one, literally.

I also don't see any advantage to making the following a single sentence. Why not start a new sentence at "A treat to see"?

My grandson plays
my father’s baby grand and old guitar—
he sings like him—with soul!—a treat to see
the future make new space for well-worn things:
the leather couch, a tarnished silver jug,
Peruvian paintings on the walls, an egg!

[mignon ledgard]

Big GRACIAS, Juli_

I concur. VVill do.

Luv your points and pointing.

Problms this instant,

I'll b-back,
~mignon

[mignon ledgard]

Originally Posted by Yves S L

mignon,

I think the second revision is it!

But I just had a thought. I think you want to write a poem which is accurate to reality, but if you wanted to keep the connection between grandson and great-grand father, than you could just focus on the guitar. Mostly because without the direct comparison between grandson and great-grand father, the line "the future make new space for well-worn things" is a little bit less emotionally resonant for me.

Experimental/rough-cut edit to illustrate a point:

Amid embroidered napkins, iron frogs
my mother placed inside a crystal vase
still keep the Ikebana flowers straight,
displayed as usual on the mantelpiece.
I’m in my daughter’s house. My grandson plays
my father's old guitar, he sits like him,
and sings like him, he carries on! A treat to see
the future make new space for well-worn things:
the leather couch, a tarnished silver jug,
Peruvian paintings on the walls, an egg!
My ostrich egg! An abstract marble nude,
a copper fish, a fist of fossil mud,
and on the étagère, old photographs
of ageless angel faces with no names.

Yves,

I come back to this post of yours and quote because you not only told me about what works and what not, but you also took special time moving those lines around until you found a solution.

You are right about keeping only one instrument. Your example made me want to do this:

. . . . . . . . My grandson plays
my father's baby grand and sings. He sings
like him!. . .

But I couldn't get away with because the poem is not supposed to rhyme and there's "things" at the end of another line. I've done something with punctuation that, maybe, gets close. I didn't keep 'carries on' because it is more telling and it is implied in ". . .the future makes new space . . ."

I'm going to spend some time on another post of yours--you leave a trail of gifts from which I learn..

Many thanks!
~mignon

**I posted a 4th revision. I don't know if this post will show up.