[Matt Q]

Thanks, Matt. It’s very much a part of the narrative in my mind, so you may have liked it only because I failed to get the meaning across, but I’m glad you liked it, whatever the reason.

Carl,

I think partly it's the switch from "you" to "him" that made me it seem to come in at an angle from the main narrative/approach. If only in terms of pronouns, it's a change.

Having reread and thought about about it, I now realised that I've assumed that the N was male, and that the never-found "you" was female, which is rather heterosexist or me, and also why I saw this as a more of a departure from the narrative that I now take it to be. This may also part of the reason why I didn't get the AIDs reference. So, now I can read the "him" as a possible "you", one who might have become the "you" if the N had acted. And read that way, much more part of the narrative.

I guess what I most like about ghazals, what I think makes them work when I think they work, is the non-narrative -- or at least the non-linear/non-sequential approach, in which a series of facets of something are presented, that though connected and suggesting a narrative also seem to function independently.

I like the revisions you've made, and they seem to take your poem much more in that direction.

It might still be worth considering tweaking the ordering of the shers, where two consecutive closely related in subject-matter/situation. I guess I'm mostly thinking of 6-7-8 the moon followed by its silvery fingers, the dreaming form followed by a dream. Ha, though rereading my first crit, I'm realising that what I'm also saying is: you've addressed two of my points, now I'll double down on the third

Actually, it might be worth playing with changing the order of all the shers not just those -- assuming you haven't already done so -- and see what happens. You could even print them, cut them out and rearrange them even, maybe even face down (the paper, not you!).

On S1, each time I've read it, I've wanted it as two sentences.

I had to wait, but I’m the kind for love.
I knew that I was meant to find your love.

I think because it makes the second sentence more emphatic.

best,

Matt