[Matt Q]

Hi Max,

I think the switch to present tense in the revision has worked well. It makes the poem feel more immediate, and I get more of a sense of the action unfolding as I read, the future as yet unknown. I also find the more equivocal close a lot more effective. I'm asked to wonder rather than being told the answer. And "just a blip" is fresher than "for a second".

I like how I didn't see the ending coming (appropriate, in this context!), and how when it does it draws the poem together, and leaves me to ponder. There are some nice touches too. I like the line-break on "left the road" and the double read it brings out. Also the regret "before-and-aftering", which is very much what regret does.

I don't know that I have any major suggestions or nits. So here are some smaller ones.

I'd write "Pop!" or "pop!". Even if you don't want the exclamation mark, italics are conventional, I think, to show that it's a sound. Kind of like reported speech, I guess. It did give me pause on first reading, though I didn't quite go as far as reading it as "Dad".

However, I don't really imagine the sound of a car hitting something that could conceivably be a boulder as a "pop". More of a crunch maybe, or a thud.

I can see how a person who'd lost concentration and crashed a car would be considered unreliable. But selfish doesn't make as much sense to me. Foolish, maybe. Irresponsible (though that's a lot of syllables -- feckless, maybe?). Or is the idea they are considered selfish because they were tipsy, and drinking when over the limit is selfish because of the damage you could do to others. Though the poem is inconclusive on the drinking. It's just a maybe.

A very small thing, and more of a question really. Does "ears' range" take a possessive apostrophe? It seemed odd to me. I googled, but couldn't find a definitive answer. Though I did see that people who use one are very much in the minority.

EDIT: Just coming back to add that the poem's title doesn't do that much for me.

best,

Matt

[Max Goodman]

Thanks for coming back, Richard, and for nudging me about the star student etc. I've made the character more imaginative, which seems to me more interesting. Thanks for the suggestion.

Matt,

Thanks for your detailed thoughts and suggestions.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

[Pop] did give me pause on first reading, though I didn't quite go as far as reading it as "Dad".

That reading hadn't occurred to me. I've lower-cased, to avoid the possible confusion. I mean the word to be a verb, but it might be stronger to follow your suggestion and make it a sound. I'll ponder.

I'll also ponder that apostrophe. Getting rid of it would have the virtue of simplifying.

And I'll ponder the title.

Many thanks.

[Richard G]

Hi Max,
I like the 'frizz-haired daughters who ...' but isn't the protagonist speculating about the identity of the driver (who is still 'blocks distant') at this point? At least that's how I've been reading 'probably'. The new characteristics, like the old, all seem very positive; couldn't the driver also be ... an adulterer (or something else negative) or something neutral, someone after working a double shift? Good, bad, and ugly. The (excellent) ending doesn't require that one be virtuous, or does it?

I preferred the 'nag' of the original (it was about the character) 'selfish' seems to be about those who judge him.

Regards,
RG.