[Roger Slater]

My issue is that "Virginia killed herself, and Charlotte too" might literally be read to mean that Virginia killed Charlotte. The thought comes through despite the grammar, I suppose, but to smooth that wrinkle and also tell people which Charlotte you mean, perhaps make it "Virginia killed herself, like Charlotte Mew"? This would also indirectly let us know that Charlotte died some years before Virginia.

[Mary Meriam]

Thanks again, everyone.

Glenn: I sense your kindness, though I think it’s wise to not make autobiographical assumptions about poems.

David: thanks.

Susan: I’m going with your revision. With the title, I had these two definitions in mind: "Music: a piece in which the same melody is begun in different parts successively, so that the imitations overlap." And also "the list of works considered to be permanently established as being of the highest quality.” But I can see that I was using the first definition as an excuse for confusion.

Rick: I cranked this one out over a few days, which likely made the shifts.

Hilary: Does the change in punctuation work for you?

Matt: The idea of a suicide’s “final thoughts” has been haunting me for a long time.

John: I hope this poem doesn’t suggest I see death in all of Sexton’s poetry, because I don’t.

Jim R.: Interesting thoughts.

Jayne: thanks for your suggestions!

Jim M.: You can read “sister” in any way you wish.

Nemo: gorgeous reading, a poem in itself.

Joe: Why can’t moans harmonize? I imagine a suicide would feel that death meant a place of safety.

Rick: I’m considering an epigraph, if I can find one.

Roger: bingo. I’m glad you pointed out that wrinkle, which I’ve smoothed.

[Hilary Biehl]

Mary, the changed punctuation does clarify your intention in those lines, but now I am not sure about "I grew alone." Is the N really alone if she is in the company of these women who are harmonizing together? I suppose she is alone in some sense - we are all ultimately alone, aren't we? - but it still gives me pause.

Also, now that it reads "Virginia's suicide, and Charlotte's too," it would make more sense grammatically (I think) to say "then Sylvia's and Anne's."

[Matt Q]

Hi Mary,

I strongly preferred the original's more direct "killed herself". For me, the revision makes the act seem more abstract, and -- absent a verb -- more passive. It places the reader at more of a remove from the act, I think, and is less effective (and less striking) for it.

If you think the original wording is confusing, maybe there's a way around that the keeps the active, direct wording? "Virginia killed herself. Charlotte did too" maybe?

Originally Posted by Mary Meriam

Matt: The idea of a suicide’s “final thoughts” has been haunting me for a long time.

To be a bit clearer on my original point: there's something about "their final fall, their final thoughts", which either has to do with the repetition of "final" (and "their"), or the assonance of "fall" and "thoughts", or the combination of the two, that I find sonically flat / unappealing. If you wanted to address this -- and you might not, of course -- you wouldn't necessary have to change "final thoughts". Though I guess it's also the case that you could probably still convey the idea of "final thoughts" without that exact wording.

- Matt

[Rick Mullin]

I would revert on the Virginia killed herself line. It's quite obvious that you don't mean Virginia also killed Charlotte. It isn't grammatically incorrect and I agree with Matt that it's just stronger.

[Rick Mullin]

Hi again,

I'm surprised that you changed to a period in line two, changing the sense of things.

[Hilary Biehl]

I agree that the original Virginia line was stronger, for the reasons Matt articulated. It also had the benefit, perhaps, of being a sentence rather than a fragment.

[Tony Barnstone]

Hello Mary, I think that it is a strong sonnet. My main concern, coming late to the conversation, and hopefully not repeating what others have said earlier in the thread – is that the running musical metaphor gets dropped in the final few lines with net and shore and the final couplet about the sister. Thus, the move to the personal, which is meant to be emotional and a resolution to what went before, works on the human level, but less on the figurative level. I don’t have a specific phraseology to suggest, but thought I would flag that as something to consider in your future revisions. All best, Tony.

[Richard G]

Hi Mary,

the last two lines feel perfectly weighted.
Where I do pause, albeit briefly, is on moan, and its secondary interpretation of a complaint.

RG.

[Michael Cantor]

I can't contribute anything but praise, and I particularly like the the ambiguity of the last two lines.