[Jim Moonan]

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Coming back in with a quick thought.

I've just skimmed the comments but recall seeing some debate about the word "humanity's". I do like it well enough, but the word really devours the first two lines, imo. There's something about it that is outsized.

What I think is missing in the poem is the overt imagery/backdrop of the city environs and its concrete, glass, steel, parks, building ledges, eaves, etc. It might be worth it to look for replacing humanity's" with descriptors that localized them to the city. Just a thought.

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[Trevor Conway]

Ah, I think you're onto something there, Jim!

Details of the city could really liven this up, alright.

Many thanks for that.

Trev

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

.
Coming back in with a quick thought.

I've just skimmed the comments but recall seeing some debate about the word "humanity's". I do like it well enough, but the word really devours the first two lines, imo. There's something about it that is outsized.

What I think is missing in the poem is the overt imagery/backdrop of the city environs and its concrete, glass, steel, parks, building ledges, eaves, etc. It might be worth it to look for replacing humanity's" with descriptors that localized them to the city. Just a thought.

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[Harry Nicolas]

hey Trevor - I like the use of alliteration in “flee in noisy flight with flashes” -
I also like the “purple and green iridescence” line I didn’t know that word before but it paints a nice image.
Anthropomorphising the pigeons in the lines earlier gives us more empathy for the final stanzas bleak description.
As others have said I think with some more stanzas to add more of a narrative I think it could add to the piece.

[Trevor Conway]

Thanks for your input, Harry. I'm revising this poem at the moment, and I'm hoping to add a couple of stanzas if I like how they work.

Cheers,

Trev

Originally Posted by Harry Nicolas

hey Trevor - I like the use of alliteration in “flee in noisy flight with flashes” -
I also like the “purple and green iridescence” line I didn’t know that word before but it paints a nice image.
Anthropomorphising the pigeons in the lines earlier gives us more empathy for the final stanzas bleak description.
As others have said I think with some more stanzas to add more of a narrative I think it could add to the piece.

[David Callin]

Hi Trevor,

As no one else has done so yet, I might as well ask: do you know Norman MacCaig's "Pigeons"? Your first two verses seem very like his - no bad thing, of course -but I particularly like your closing four lines, which seem very different to his.

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

Hi David,

No, I haven't read it, though a Google search throws up a poem called "Wild Oats". Is that the one you're referring to?

Thanks for mentioning it and your feedback on my poem.

All the best,

Trevor

[Trevor Conway]

Hey all,

I just posted a revision above the original. Two new stanzas added, title changed and some other bits added/subtracted.

All opinions welcome.

Thanks very much.

Trev