[Jim Ramsey]

Hey All,

I have been in the hospital for a couple days and did not realize this had gotten new comments....

Hi Richard,

Thanks for the reassurance that I've improved the piece. As always, I will give your suggestions a mulling, and probably, as usual, I will eventually either use them as given or let them prod me toward changes. In regard to eliminating the stanza you mention: I know the examples of things loved by me as a child seem bland, and of course there were many other things I was attracted to besides those, but I was pretty much a poor shy kid with little life experience and the dull sounding things mentioned are accurately if not entertainingly described. I'll ponder ways of making that stanza more resonant while staying authentic.

Hi David,

Thanks for the comment and the encouragement. Simon convinced me to straighten up some of my syntax but I resisted somewhat in keeping the awkward "where were ones once..." that you cite as a bumpy spot. I'll give it a look.

Hi Jan,

Thanks much for the comment. I'm very glad you liked the new version. I will try not to change it much if I do make changes, because I would hate to change your impression of it. Simon pushed me toward showing why books were important to me which I try to do now in the newer opening lines. Your comment further convinces me of the value of his advice,

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Jim,
Version 3 is lovely, but I do find "where were ones once read" a bit of a tongue-twister!

Could "what most I loved when I was young" be "what I loved most when I was young"? It's more like natural speech than the inversion.

Aside from two small niggles I really like the sheer joy that the N demonstrates over his love of books (that's how I feel, too!).

Jayne

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

Hi Jim,
Version 3 is lovely, but I do find "where were ones once read" a bit of a tongue-twister!

Could "what most I loved when I was young" be "what I loved most when I was young"? It's more like natural speech than the inversion.

Aside from two small niggles I really like the sheer joy that the N demonstrates over his love of books (that's how I feel, too!).

Jayne

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for the nits and the "lovely" comment. I have just posted a version 4 which tries to change S1L4 and S2L4 to a more standard syntax. I said recently on the sphere that I am still fond of the type of syntax that makes for a memorable quote, even if it seems tortuous to most modern readers. Maybe someday I'll be smart enough to move past my stubbornness. I have never wanted to grow into someone stuck in the past, so thanks for another gentle nudge toward currentness.

Jim

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Jim,

The revisions are great. I've just noticed a couple more tiny nits in S2:

In L2 you have but journeyed then... and in L4 and think then of... To my ear, the syntax should be the same, as in: "and then think of"... although it might be even better to lose the 2nd "then", perhaps something like:

to time now gone, and recollect
the thing I loved the most when young:

And maybe pluralise L5: "the things I loved the most when young", as S3 follows with a long list of what the N loves.

I hope it helps.

Jayne

[Richard G]

Hi Jim,
hope your well, or well-er.

I know the examples of things loved by me as a child seem bland
It's not that they're bland (well, okay, it is) but that they aren't specific enough. Lots of people love a baseball game, but what do you love about it? What was it about the game that grabbed you 'when young'? Also, what distinguishes "some famous name, a hero praised, a football great, a movie star," from each other?

RG

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for coming back with more ideas. I changed "thing" to "things." I think either could work though creating slight differences to the thoughts presented, but I'll go with "things" because it reads better grammatically.

Now, about your other suggestion for changes to S2 which reads:

And, here, I browsed, and, there, I paused,
but journeyed then within my head
to choose instead to give a look
to time now gone, and think then of
what thing I loved the most when young:

You seem to be saying that the use of "then" is not syntactically parallel but it looks to me like it is. The verb tense change between "journeyed" and "think" is all that I see as a difference. I do see that "then" is accented in one instance and is unaccented in the other. And of course there's the double use of "then" that you suggest could be avoided. The real issue for me is we've run up against one of my darlings and that is the play between the "of" enjambing toward the following line's "loved." I'll have to keep thinking whether I want to make a change.

Hi Richard,

Thanks for staying with this. I think I agree with you, but I'm waiting for more inspiration. And thanks for the well-er wish. I'm doing great.

[Alessio Boni]

Hi Jim,


It's me again, I came across this poem and found it relatable for my love of books, which is something I think many members of this forum can relate to as well.

I specifically focused on the fourth version, but I agree with Simon on the fact that there could maybe be more reasoning for why you prefer reading above other more youthful forms of activities, or at least those which you enjoyed in youth.

And also, although this could be a stretch, aren't some of the activities you mentioned potentially part of the pleasure of reading, for example, the "famous names" could be perfectly explored in Biographies or even collections of one's poetical works, and "a girl to please" could also maybe be explored via literature in the more moderate passages of De Sade? Some "distant hill" could be explored in the countless 'Excursion Poems' of Wordsworth, in his sylvan sites described, or in 'Alastor' from Shelley. For 'Football' that becomes a bit tricky so I'll have to give you that, it cant be related to literature! A cool night breeze, "Alla Sera" di Foscolo? A dollar bill and a Movie Star? Nah, those can't be related either. A 'Hero Praised', read the poem of D'Annunzio, Laus Vitae.

Maybe you could have found more 'anti - literary' activities of your youth to further contrast the joy of reading to those. For me, due to my young age, I would have maybe used the example of 'gaming', which is something I still sometimes do as a vice.

I don't know, maybe I'm rambling without sense, but I think that some of the felicities you contrast with books could themselves be part of a book.

Again, this is just my opinion and interpretation, so take it as you will. Nevertheless the rhythm is stable and continuous, and the meaning itself is witty. A nice poem to read!

Congrats!

P.S By the above I don't mean you should change the poem, I think it good the way it is. Maybe what I said could just be more of my touch to it??