[Yves S L]

Version 1.10

Since you the light is brighter in my eyes,
And evermore I shut them tight to heal
Them from their own impudent rushes. Whys
And wherefores make no sense: I feel, I feel,
And feeling is enough. I hear the bee
Across the fields approach a jasmine flower.
How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!
How much can be extracted hour by hour?

It is not work; it is not even play.
I calmed to watch you hover and delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
My open-flowered need. I have to know
Before you tire and your skin says "no".


Version 1.00

Since you the light is brighter in my eyes,
And more and more I shut them tight to heal
Them from their own impudent rushes. Whys
And wherefores make no sense: I feel, I feel,
And feeling is enough. I hear the bee
Across the fields approach a jasmine flower.
How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!
How much can be extracted hour by hour?

It is not work; it is not even play.
The petals calmed to watch the bee delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
What cannot stay still sated. I must know
Before I touch you and your skin says "no".

[Chelsea McClellan]

Hello Yves,

This might just be me being dense, but you had me until the last 5 lines. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on or what was being said about it. "all that waiting weight" is nice wordplay, but I wasn't sure how we got from having already landed to "calmed to watch the bee delay."

"stay still sated" also threw me off a bit. I wonder if this might be a place for using a common word/phrase even though your wordplay / soundplay is fun.

Even though it's in the volta, "skin says no" still felt a bit too far removed, or not set up enough, for me to understand why there might be a no at all. Also, I'd be curious to find out if I'm the only one for whom the transition--from the lover and bee being the ones landing to the speaker being the one doing the touching at the end--was a bit confusing.

Overall, there is some really lovely language and play in this sonnet. And paired with some interesting ideas and questions. I just need a bit more help to follow you all the way to the end thought.

Take care,
Chelsea

[Yves S L]

Hello Chelsea,

Yeah, it is really helpful for me to see how far you could follow the poem, and I am glad you enjoyed some parts.

For now, I am using a stanza break between octet and sestet, and I will wait for more comments before making more decisive changes.

Thank you.

[Yves S L]

Here is an alternative ending I came up with while writing the poem in case the "no" ending was too much of a curveball.

It is not work; it is not even play.
The petals calmed to watch the bee delay,
Anticipating all that waiting weight,
While wondering exactly what can sate
What cannot stay still sated. I digress
Before I touch you and your skin says "yes".

[David Callin]

Nice, Yves, So playful and affectionate.

Oh yes!

David

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Yves,

This is the first poem of yours I’ve seen. It’s well put together sonnet, and I like what you’re doing with it. Still, I have some issues here and there with it:

“I hear the bee / Across the fields” – to hear a bee across the fields doesn’t sound credible to me. It seems something that requires superhuman hearing. Maybe, across the ‘yard’ or ‘lawn’, etc. I’d probably go with ‘lawn’ for the alliteration with ‘lands’ in the next line.

“How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!” – this feels to me like too much hyperbole. Maybe tone down the second part? E.g., “As soft, you land on me.”

“How much can be extracted hour by hour?” – this feels ambiguous as I’m missing the ‘what’ is unclear. Maybe, “How much essence/honey to extract hour by hour?”

“I calmed to watch you hover and delay,” – this sounds somewhat stilted. Maybe, “I’m calmed ….”?

“Anticipating all that waiting weight,” – sounds strange to me. If you want the word play of ‘wait’ and ‘weight’, maybe something more natural-sounding… e.g., echoing somewhat the logic of the octet, “Awaiting for her to regift her weight”, or better.

“While wondering exactly what can sate / My open-flowered need.” – I’m not loving on “open-flowered” in this context, as it sounds forced. Maybe something better visualized, such as “my flower’s blooming need” … or better?

‘Before you tire and your skin says “no". – First, a small matter of proper styling, e.g., per Chicago Manual of Style and others, the period should appear before the closing quote. Additionally, I’m sold on the “skin” saying “no.” Maybe, continue with the “bee” imagery? – ‘Before you tire and your buzz means “no.”’ … Or something along those lines.

It’s coming along well, Yves. I hope you find something here that’s helpful as you revise!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Alex Pepple]

Hello again, Yves,

Looking at your proposed alternate sextet:

"I['m] calmed to watch you hover and delay," reads better than "The petals calmed to watch the bee delay," -- where "delay" in the latter feels somewhat rhyme-driven.

- "What cannot stay still sated. I digress" sounds stilted... maybe "What cannot be kept sated. I digress"

- 'Before you tire and your skin says "no."' vs. 'Before I touch you and your skin says "yes." -- the latter feels more engaging, although there's still the issue I mentioned earlier with the skin speaking.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Max Goodman]

Moment-by-moment, this is beautiful.

I can't quite put the whole thing together. Throughout the poem, the speaker is the flower and the lover the bee. This seems to flip in the last sentence, the last line-and-a-half.

Some quibbles:
Can a bee be heard "across the fields"? Maybe it depends on how many fields and their size. And maybe I'm not recently enough familiar with true quiet to have much of a sense of this. For what little it's worth, that line made me doubt it.
I'm not sure why "calmed" is in a different tense than the rest of the poem.
Know/no is a disappointing rhyme to end on.

I do like the surprise of "no," and it clicks well with the need the speaker's told us of. "Digress" in the proposed rewrite smacks of the poem talking about itself, which I don't find helpful.

FWIW.

[Yves S L]

David, Alex, and Max,

Thank you for the additional comments.