Like others, I read the original as a dark, compactly suggestive glimpse into a dysfunctional relationship, though I did not assume anything autobiographical from that. While I think the original had problems as a poem, I found it more interesting than the rewrite, which I think is cloying ("breezy as you please" etc) and much too long for its subject matter.
As I see it, you have a couple different directions you could go. You could write it as light verse, in which case I would suggest tightening it up considerably and considering meter and rhyme to give more interest to the language. Or you could cut it free from autobiography and lean into the darker tone - something closer to the original, but polished up. Either way, I feel this one needs to be short.
|
Threaded Mode
