[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions…

John B. , It seems no matter how often one reads one’s own work, what should be obvious slips past. Now I see that not only are there the three “as’s” you saw in S1, but four. I am thinking about a new title. You are not the only reader to suggest a change.

Hilary, The “as” use apparently stands out to readers. I wish I could say I used it as often as I did intentionally knowing it was there, but as I never focused on it, as it were, as much as I would have liked to have noted it myself as someone who has denounced the overuse of repeated words in others’ pieces, as is now is apparent, I didn’t. In answer to your question the poem’s title is “A Story.” This originally was the beginning of a short story. The old woman was squinting at the sun. When the thought came to have her squinting at God, suddenly I thought, well there, that’s the whole story, but I’ll make it a poem. I decided on “A Story” as a title as a way to prompt readers to find their own story within. The trouble is the title seems a weak point per crits.

David, As I’ve said above, the “as” use, which did not bother you, apparently didn’t bother me either, but now that I know they are there, they seem to be festering like little pimples turning into raging boils. As to “nut meat”, my original wording in this was “with crevices like walnuts.” Both the walnut shell and the shelled nut have the crevices I was imagining. I changed to “nut meat” to add originality, even knowing that some nut meats, pistachios, almonds, filberts etc. are smooth skinned. I am glad you like the last line.

Alex, I am trying to use “as” in my responses here as often as I can as a way of forcing myself to notice how I overuse it. I made a similar resolution regarding my overuse of “myself” in responses to comments in an earlier piece. Well, I am still working on breaking both patterns of overuse. I plan on excising “as” a couple times in this. I am also rethinking the title. I wanted one that would let the reader ponder.

Glenn, Your interpretation of the last line, “The ‘snap’ in the last line is the realization that the old woman is making a final judgment of God in her bereavement,”
is the same one that I first focused on. That is why I titled the thread, "The Final Judgement,” as if the old woman is having the last say. I thought of titling the piece “Having the Last Say.” I briefly considered having the last line read “…smiled at God,” and in doing so having a completely different poem in the sense of “good riddance,” or oppositely, “thank you.”

Phil, You’ve given me some pause in my reactions to other crits about the use of “as” and in the title I’ve chosen. Thanks for the positive take. Much appreciated.

Hi Trev,

Each of us on the site responds to the style and content of various pieces differently. It’s good to get different takes on my pieces. Sometimes though, there’s just a hole in someone’s knowledge base that throws off their perceptions. I think that is what happened here when you comment:

“I'm having trouble visualising what you mean by ‘She patted the pine box / before it was lifted’, as I assume she is inside the pine box, and the idea of her patting from the inside feels strange/not what you intended.”

It seems that you are not realizing the pine box is a coffin being lifted and lowered into a grave. Your education seems to be lacking in the way of American Westerns.

Hi James, Your title suggestion of “Judgement” is under hard consideration. Your reasoning for the change is sound. And I agree that an “as” here and there could be cut without any harm. It’s nice when there’s generally a consensus here of what needs to be changed. In this case it’s clear I need to look at the use of ‘as” and to find a new title.

To all, Thanks again for the comments!

[Hilary Biehl]

Hi again Jim, I like James's idea of "Judgment" as a title.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jim,

I realised it was a coffin, but I thought she was inside the coffin, whereas patting it gave me the image of her outside the coffin.

Best of luck revising it.

Trev

Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions…

John B. , It seems no matter how often one reads one’s own work, what should be obvious slips past. Now I see that not only are there the three “as’s” you saw in S1, but four. I am thinking about a new title. You are not the only reader to suggest a change.

Hilary, The “as” use apparently stands out to readers. I wish I could say I used it as often as I did intentionally knowing it was there, but as I never focused on it, as it were, as much as I would have liked to have noted it myself as someone who has denounced the overuse of repeated words in others’ pieces, as is now is apparent, I didn’t. In answer to your question the poem’s title is “A Story.” This originally was the beginning of a short story. The old woman was squinting at the sun. When the thought came to have her squinting at God, suddenly I thought, well there, that’s the whole story, but I’ll make it a poem. I decided on “A Story” as a title as a way to prompt readers to find their own story within. The trouble is the title seems a weak point per crits.

David, As I’ve said above, the “as” use, which did not bother you, apparently didn’t bother me either, but now that I know they are there, they seem to be festering like little pimples turning into raging boils. As to “nut meat”, my original wording in this was “with crevices like walnuts.” Both the walnut shell and the shelled nut have the crevices I was imagining. I changed to “nut meat” to add originality, even knowing that some nut meats, pistachios, almonds, filberts etc. are smooth skinned. I am glad you like the last line.

Alex, I am trying to use “as” in my responses here as often as I can as a way of forcing myself to notice how I overuse it. I made a similar resolution regarding my overuse of “myself” in responses to comments in an earlier piece. Well, I am still working on breaking both patterns of overuse. I plan on excising “as” a couple times in this. I am also rethinking the title. I wanted one that would let the reader ponder.

Glenn, Your interpretation of the last line, “The ‘snap’ in the last line is the realization that the old woman is making a final judgment of God in her bereavement,”
is the same one that I first focused on. That is why I titled the thread, "The Final Judgement,” as if the old woman is having the last say. I thought of titling the piece “Having the Last Say.” I briefly considered having the last line read “…smiled at God,” and in doing so having a completely different poem in the sense of “good riddance,” or oppositely, “thank you.”

Phil, You’ve given me some pause in my reactions to other crits about the use of “as” and in the title I’ve chosen. Thanks for the positive take. Much appreciated.

Hi Trev,

Each of us on the site responds to the style and content of various pieces differently. It’s good to get different takes on my pieces. Sometimes though, there’s just a hole in someone’s knowledge base that throws off their perceptions. I think that is what happened here when you comment:

“I'm having trouble visualising what you mean by ‘She patted the pine box / before it was lifted’, as I assume she is inside the pine box, and the idea of her patting from the inside feels strange/not what you intended.”

It seems that you are not realizing the pine box is a coffin being lifted and lowered into a grave. Your education seems to be lacking in the way of American Westerns.

Hi James, Your title suggestion of “Judgement” is under hard consideration. Your reasoning for the change is sound. And I agree that an “as” here and there could be cut without any harm. It’s nice when there’s generally a consensus here of what needs to be changed. In this case it’s clear I need to look at the use of ‘as” and to find a new title.

To all, Thanks again for the comments!

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Hilary Biehl

David, nut meat is simply the edible part inside the shell.

Aha! Thanks Hilary. This is news to me.

Cheers

David

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Trevor,

Thanks for the explanation and my apologies back at ya. The old woman being inside the coffin actually never occurred to me but I can see that scenario now as an imaginatively literary interpretation. I like when we readers can take a poem to different places. Apparently my education is lacking in the magic realism department. In effect you and I did the same thing in creating this shared misunderstanding. We narrowed our focus, locked onto one way of seeing, and missed what should have been seen. I did not realize you were visualizing the old woman inside the coffin and were questioning my use of "patting" it when, say, knocking would have been a better word, and you did not realize that my use of "patting" must mean she's outside the box and someone else is inside. At least that's my best explanation.

[Trevor Conway]

That sounds about right, Jim, and you're welcome.

Trev

Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey

Hi Trevor,

Thanks for the explanation and my apologies back at ya. The old woman being inside the coffin actually never occurred to me but I can see that scenario now as an imaginatively literary interpretation. I like when we readers can take a poem to different places. Apparently my education is lacking in the magic realism department. In effect you and I did the same thing in creating this shared misunderstanding. We narrowed our focus, locked onto one way of seeing, and missed what should have been seen. I did not realize you were visualizing the old woman inside the coffin and were questioning my use of "patting" it when, say, knocking would have been a better word, and you did not realize that my use of "patting" must mean she's outside the box and someone else is inside. At least that's my best explanation.

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by David Callin

Aha! Thanks Hilary. This is news to me.

I suspect it may be an American thing to call it that? But I'm not sure.